Listening to words is only part of leadership. Attunement helps leaders notice tone, behaviour, and other subtle signals that can reveal what their teams are really experiencing.
Listening is only part of leadership. What matters just as much is noticing what people do not say.
Leaders may make eye contact, ask questions, and appear fully engaged, yet still miss what is happening beneath a conversation. For founders and CEOs, the challenge is even greater. Their days are filled with emails, AI-generated information, Slack messages, meetings and dashboards. There is no shortage of information, but the signals that matter most often never appear on a screen.
Christian O’Connell, the first broadcaster to host number-one radio shows in two countries, calls this ability attunement in his book, Unscript: The Radical Act of Being Yourself.
O’Connell describes it as “attention plus tune.” It means being aware of yourself, the other person, and the space between you. That includes noticing tone, pauses, changes in energy, and behaviour that may reveal more than the words themselves.
For leaders, it starts with self-awareness. Before trying to understand someone else, ask what you are bringing into the conversation. Are you genuinely listening, or are you already preparing your response?
Here are five ways to develop that skill.
1. Listen for what sits beneath the words
A leader can hear every word in a status update and still miss the real message.
After nearly 30 years in live radio, O’Connell says he has learned to notice small changes in delivery, such as a longer pause, a shift in pace, or enthusiasm that feels forced.
He recalls a Father’s Day segment with a caller named David, who was telling a funny story about his father dancing to “Cotton-Eyed Joe.” Then David’s pace slowed, and his voice softened. Before he explained that his father had died, O’Connell could sense that the conversation had changed.
His role was no longer to ask another question. It was to give David space.
The same thing can happen at work. An employee may say everything is fine while contributing less, avoiding conversations, or losing their usual enthusiasm.
The words may sound normal. The signal may not be.
2. Listen instead of preparing your next response
Sometimes people appear to listen while simply waiting for their turn to speak.
O’Connell calls this “performing listening.” Earlier in his career, he would prepare clever questions while barely absorbing the answers.
Leaders can fall into the same habit, particularly when they are expected to solve problems quickly.
But not every conversation needs an immediate solution. Staying with someone’s answer for a few more seconds can reveal something that a rushed response would miss.
The pause is often useful information.
3. Check the judgment behind your questions
Questions can contain assumptions.
“Why would you do that?” can sound like criticism. “Have you considered…?” can imply that the other person failed to think carefully.
People usually pick up on those signals.
Before asking a question, consider what you actually want from the answer. Are you curious about the person’s thinking, or are you trying to guide them toward a conclusion you have already reached?
A useful question leaves room for an answer you did not expect.
4. See the person beyond the job title
Workplaces often reduce people to roles, responsibilities, and performance metrics.
O’Connell describes two different frequencies. The “Machine Frequency” focuses on what can be achieved from someone. The “Human Frequency” focuses on who that person is.
He recalls coaching a CEO who repeatedly referred to his title during their first session. When O’Connell asked about his son, the executive’s voice changed. The conversation shifted from business leadership to a father worried that he was failing his child.
The example illustrates why knowing someone’s role is not the same as knowing the person.
Good leadership requires attention to both.
5. Consider what people bring into the room
Every relationship carries history.
O’Connell calls these experiences “ghost scripts.” Feedback from a manager can sometimes feel like criticism from a parent. A team member who withdraws may also be responding to something outside the workplace.
That does not mean leaders should guess what someone is feeling. It means they should pause before assigning a reason to someone’s behaviour.
Look at the behaviour, then consider the emotion behind it and the need that may be driving it.
You do not have to agree with someone to understand where they are coming from.
Attunement helps leaders see what data misses
Attunement is not about avoiding difficult conversations or lowering expectations. It is about understanding the situation before deciding how to respond.
People often communicate through hesitation, tone, energy, and changes in behaviour long before they explain what is wrong.
Leaders who notice those signals may not need to say more. They may need to pay closer attention.
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Source: Inc.
Photo: Adobe Stock
